No awkward lesbian experiences without me
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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