I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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