I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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