Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
