Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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