she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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