She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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