On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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