So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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