Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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