i need an iv and a liver transplant
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize