I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
