We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
