$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
