If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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