You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
