I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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