Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
