He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
