I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize