her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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