I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
