so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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