and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
only if we run a train.
done.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize