Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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