As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
