remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We are all done wearing pants today
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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