I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
