just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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