I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
