I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My feet surprised me
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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