your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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