I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
