The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
