I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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