If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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