we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
