Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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