I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
