Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
