I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
