Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
