Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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