He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
