You just made me feel so damn special
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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