there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
