Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
