just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
