I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
