what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize