everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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