we're chasing vodka with high fives
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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