We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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