Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
