We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
