the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
