So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
