I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
