mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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