I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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