im drinking this country out of the recession.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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