I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
