Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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