watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Be still, my beating vagina.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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